I hate starting things, and it’s a problem. There are lots of excuses I could list as to why some more legitimate than others. However, in the end, they are just that- excuses.
Today’s is that “it’s not good enough.” I am making this blog for many reasons, one being that I want to keep myself accountable for the short story comic piece that I’m in the process of making. I’m hoping if I post updates of my struggles, successes, and some artwork here and there, it will keep me motivated to pull myself through the grueling process of spinning something from nothing.
However, when I realized I needed to make a starting blog post, I panicked. I mean, what should I say? What are people expecting from a blog like this? Should so just be posting artwork, or should I be writing inspirational tidbits for those who have graced me with their attention?
So I wrote a whole long thing. Honestly, it’s not a bad post. Funny enough, it addressed reality vs. expectation. But after I published it on the site and was ready to share it publicly, I couldn’t move myself to do it. After sleeping a few hours on it (far too late for me to keep up with the girls), I think I’ve narrowed down where I went wrong. It had nothing to do with this blog, and I am fighting my self-image.
I have this idea of how I want me and my work to be perceived. I don’t think that’s an uncommon thing, but where it can become crippling is when it isn’t as impressive as I see it in my head. It’s a problem that affects everything, my artwork, my writing, and even just cleaning up around my house. My desire is for things to be as beautiful and unique as I want them to be, but rarely do I live up to my expectations.
I know that sounds pessimistic, but it’s hard to communicate to someone who doesn’t see what I’m seeing. The people, the worlds, the colors, the visions are vivid and real to me. There are times I’ll remember this show or comic and go looking for it, only to realize after a little looking that I was the one who had made it up. It’s honestly ridiculous, and it’s why I think the love of storytelling never gets old for me.
But here’s the rub. What I see in my head isn’t in my style. What I write is nowhere near the level of satisfaction and grandeur that I experience. My art style is nothing like I envision, and it drives me insane. I know people enjoy it, which is all well and good, but it’s devastating to work on something for weeks only for it to come out like some Frankenstein version of my original thought.
For most of my life, this was where I would always fall. I’d work and perfect and perfect until I realize it will never be what I want it to be and lose hope. I feel bad because it’s not as if I don’t have lots of encouragement. I have always had people who’ve spoken positively about my work. Even the little bit of college I took, I usually did well in my art and creative writing classes. However, with every compliment, all I can hear is how it’s not what I wanted it to be. And so I circle the drain and make a run at another idea- hoping this time it will be different.
And thus, nothing gets finished. My ideas sit in my head and drive me crazy. But after getting to do some creative work during the year 2020 has shown me a different perspective that I believe is helping me pull through. During the multiple projects, when I would run up to deadlines because I didn’t like what I was making, I found myself saying over and over:
“It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to exists.”
Weirdly enough, this phrase works for me. Maybe it’s because I’m verbally letting go of my expectations, or perhaps it’s because it’s the most fundamental reality of the matter. Just letting things be and accepting them as they are, in the same way, I do with others in my life. Could it be better? Heck yes, I should know, I’m the one who made it! But just because it isn’t how I want it to be doesn’t mean it’s not allowed to exist.
So this year, I’m taking this truth to heart. I’m going to start with a short story comic and focus on production, not perfection. Maybe it won’t come out great; perhaps it will just bomb but, God help me, it will exist. And in the end, that matters more than my expectations of myself.
So hope you find some enjoyment out of this, and I look forward to sharing my progress with you. Peace be unto you!